Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
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Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Jogging has never helped my memory.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”