This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
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My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*