Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Some people have this weird super power where they smell like their shampoo for hours after showering.
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Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I’m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Apes stopped waving at us ever since they found out we evolved from them