@OctopusCaveman

Some people have this weird super power where they smell like their shampoo for hours after showering.

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@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

@KenJennings

Dance like no one is threatening to call the police if you don’t take your boombox and leave the Christian Science Reading Room immediately.

@RunOldMan

I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.

@PinkCamoTO

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

@QwertyJones3

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

@DamienFahey

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

@DanKCharnley

[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*

@GoodZiIIa

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

@OfficeofSteve

Apes stopped waving at us ever since they found out we evolved from them