@juicymorsel

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

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@ElizaBayne

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

@goldengateblond

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

@LuvPug

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

@ElKnuckelhombre

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

@Reverend_Scott

Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.

@SarahFemme

I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.

@sharpular

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

@daemonic3

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

@Sarcasticsapien

[walks up to coworker’s desk]
I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.