Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.