If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
I hope at my funeral someone has the foresight to bring a Ouija board so I can live tweet Hell.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
throwin a party tonight
raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
[walks up to coworker’s desk]
I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.