Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
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According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
2022: I can fix it
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.