[Day 1 Of Lockdown]
Wife: *sitting down to dinner* What’s this?
Me: A delicious plate of Cheeto’s
Me: I ate everything else already
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
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MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Eat anything u want.
If people make fun of ur size… Eat them too
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
As you grow older you’ll start feeling your body getting stiffer. But don’t worry … it’s just rigor mortis practicing for the big day.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”