Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

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I thought you said gin.
Either way, make mine a double.


You can learn a lot about a person if you install a camera in their bedroom.


[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this


While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.


I spent so much time bowling as a kid that the first time I fingered a girl I accidentally threw her down the hallway


I picked up an ice cream cake & the cashier said keep it in the freezer until serving so it doesn’t melt. I’ve got to start dressing smarter


My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.


[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope