Awwww, she looks so sweet and peaceful when she’s not yelling.
-my kids, watching me sleep
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
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Grandpa *pulls coin from my ear*
Me: Pft. Some trick.
Grandpa *shoves coin into my ear, twists my nose, peanuts begin pouring from my face*
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Whoever discovered cows must have been annoyed that the name ‘moose’ was already taken.
Tim Burton could’ve saved a lot of money on ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’ and just shown a 2016 Facebook Year in Review instead.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.