Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
You Might Also Like
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”