My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
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Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.