Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
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“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
The future is now.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids