Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
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I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
i love modern commerce
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib