@BackrowSeats

Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.

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@Carbosly

Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.

@Ygrene

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

@TheBoydP

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

@Conchvegas1

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

@BruceForce

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

@OkieGirl405

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

@GrowlyGrego

Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.

@TheHyyyype

law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now

@jazz_inmypants

as a cashier in a pharmacy i don’t want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they’re paying i loudly ask them “Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?” and wink at them so they know to follow my lead

@Cryptic1iam

Female dragonflies will fake their own death if faced w/ unwanted attention from a male dragonfly.

You can learn so much from nature