Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.

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My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.


WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING


[me] if all dogs go to heaven, then what about Cujo?
[the pope] how did you get into my bathroom?


I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”


Save a horse. Ride a cowboy. Use your best judgment with a centaur.


911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.


My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.


[after giving cpr]
him: ??? ????? ?? ????
me: lol
him: ???? ??? ????
me: I inhaled helium first


Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?