Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.

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Me: My sex life is like your car.

Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?

Me: Nope. Electric powered.


[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane


I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.


[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles


Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*


Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy


Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.


law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class

me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now


as a cashier in a pharmacy i don’t want people to feel uncomfortable when they buy personal products, so while they’re paying i loudly ask them “Oh is this hemorrhoid cream for your Friend?” and wink at them so they know to follow my lead


Female dragonflies will fake their own death if faced w/ unwanted attention from a male dragonfly.

You can learn so much from nature