asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
fired
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
those birds must be on payroll
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Weirdly Wednesday.