Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
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I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
? 💀
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.