Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
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I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way