Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
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In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Weighing up my bread heating options
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
For the ones in the back.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.