POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching