Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.