[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
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Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
You wake up one day and all the world has turned to Greg. You’re surprised, you did not see this coming. In the kitchen your boyfriend Greg greets you with a cup of greg. Greg, he says with a smile. Greg, you answer, and it just fees right, the gregness of it all.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Facebook asks what I’m thinking.
Twitter asks what I’m doing.
Google asks where I am.
The internet has turned into my girlfriend.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
So much wasted time in public school, as an adult I’ve never used cursive, done algebra, or had to remember anything from sex ed.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.