some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
g
a
r
d
e
n
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I was just discussing this with my cat
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.