“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
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Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
“Sheer Arrogance”
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?