The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
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My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.