Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.