Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
You Might Also Like
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house