Some people think I’m an uncultured lout but it’s not true. For example, I know the 5-second rule on dropped food does not apply to soup.

You Might Also Like


Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me


I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.


{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better


He is on that bird call website a lot.

– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.


Me: When does karaoke start?

Him: Never.

Me: But I put my
“I ? Karaoke” t-shirt on.

Him: We noticed.

Me: This is the worst funeral ever.


Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?


Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?


I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing


Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.


Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that’s what’s been missing.