Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
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*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe