Some people think I’m an uncultured lout but it’s not true. For example, I know the 5-second rule on dropped food does not apply to soup.

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Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.


[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok


FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke


[first date]

HER: I like a man who’s well-informed.

ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.


never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them


I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.


I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms


My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.



I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks


demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here

me: haha yeah

demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans