@mattZillaaaa

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

You Might Also Like

@SteveSuckington

[comes home from store]

Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?

Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?

@Tayyxb

David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?

@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

@RidiculousSheri

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

@loneIymood

dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles

@Gupton68

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

@AndyVale

What do we want? CLICKBAIT

When do we want it? The answer will shock you.

@SeanEmeny

Being a fat guy at McDonald’s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business