Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
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A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Well. That’s not a good sign.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.