Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
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“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Don’t touch that.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no