[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
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*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
mumsnet is amazing
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.