[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
You Might Also Like
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Story of my life…..
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”