@WheelTod: Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad's attic & I just couldn't resist.
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@PhilJamesson: i like video games because they're the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
@david8hughes: [stares at baby for almost an hour after I've finished feeding him] Wife: he can't talk, he's not going to thank you
@cravin4: Little known fact: If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
@davetureq: They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.