@WheelTod

Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

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@Spaziotwat

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

@blondediva11

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

@drhappyknuckles

First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.

@ThaJawn

*sees neighbors bringing in KFC

*knocks on door

Have you seen my dog she got out *teary eyed

Neighbor: Aw. No, but if there’s-

Some KFC?

@KKAlThani

My friend showed up wearing a “Narnia is real” shirt which suits him cause they both aren’t planning to come out of the closet anytime soon.

@david8hughes

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

@Birdhumms

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

@Megatronic13

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

@mutablejoe

review of the year

Jan: no massive cow
Feb: no massive cow
Mar: no massive cow
Apr: no massive cow
May: no massive cow
Jun: no massive cow
Jul: no massive cow
Aug: no massive cow
Sep: no massive cow
Oct: no massive cow
Nov: there was a massive cow
Dec: no massive cow

@junejuly12

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.