Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.

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“I like Trump because he isn’t a politician.”

Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.


Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.


If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.


If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally


It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”


I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.


[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out


My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”


[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?