Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
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I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost