There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
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My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
First they came for the fat, whiny losers, and I said nothing, because they got me immediately. I was like the first person they got.
*sees neighbors bringing in KFC
*knocks on door
Have you seen my dog she got out *teary eyed
Neighbor: Aw. No, but if there’s-
My friend showed up wearing a “Narnia is real” shirt which suits him cause they both aren’t planning to come out of the closet anytime soon.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
review of the year
Jan: no massive cow
Feb: no massive cow
Mar: no massive cow
Apr: no massive cow
May: no massive cow
Jun: no massive cow
Jul: no massive cow
Aug: no massive cow
Sep: no massive cow
Oct: no massive cow
Nov: there was a massive cow
Dec: no massive cow
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.