Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
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“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots