“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
You Might Also Like
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
PER MY LAST EMAIL
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday