@TheTalkingPipe

Some people wouldn’t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.

You Might Also Like

@J_Dazzle76

Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.

@JohnLyonTweets

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

@theedgeofchris

Dora the Explorer has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they’ve ever had.

@UncleDuke1969

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

@ThaJawn

Cop: Second time this week

Me: I thought I could be brave

C: Yeah I know, this slide is pretty high for you, now just take my hand

M: ok

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

@tuckerflodman

*Mom makes me take out the garbage*

*Garbage and I begin to date*

*I start taking things too fast*

*Garbage dumps me*

@VodkaTiem

Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?

@PaulyPeligroso

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.