Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
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Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
This is I, Robot all over again
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.