Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
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Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Don’t we all.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?