Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
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If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
He-man has a Masters degree
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.