Some questions in life you don’t even need to ask. Like when your child tells you they need to go to the store at 8pm to get stuff for a project.

You know 1) they’ve known about it for three weeks and 2) it’s due tomorrow.

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I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.


I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.


kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool


Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉

Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily


Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.


Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.

By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.


I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.