Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
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If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.