[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
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Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack