Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
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So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Yup….perfect score!
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.