you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
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I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
relationship goals
Meow
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.