@SeymourDLindsay

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

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@farouq_yahaya

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

@fightforfood

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

@o__0Dev

Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!

@TheSharona06

My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.

@MariyaAlexander

Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love

@Thynebear

“Is your refrigerator running?”

“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”

@david8hughes

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

@BitterKrust

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”