Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

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I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!


Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”


Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift


Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!


My mother is displeased with me.

In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.


Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love


“Is your refrigerator running?”

“My fridge used to run every day, but ever since he started smoking marijuana he just lays on the couch.”


[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.


“Does this hurt?”
“What about this?”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”