Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I wish this was real life…
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year