@envydatropic

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

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@katiefzack

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

@Mom_Overboard

Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose

@RickAaron

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

@shkeeber

Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.

Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.

@HanaMichels

Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.

@thetobbie

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

@samreich

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.

@ObscureGent

[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]

You OK?

@peteholmes

Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”