Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
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St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Breaking news:
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.