Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
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Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.