@TheAlexNevil

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

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@taramae72

Just had workplace violence training. It’s like HR doesn’t even care about the first rule of fight club.

@JediGigi

[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.

@aotakeo

cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me

@spinubzilla

why would you say Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas broke up when you could just say BenAna Split

@elunatyk

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

@EricBedner

“Bye, losers.”
*puts on motorcycle helmet and sunglasses*
*rides unicycle into an elevator*
“Can you push the button for the lobby please.”

@tsunami__7

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

@Shade510

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

@whippedjelli

if you wear a bikini instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will just think you’ve been swimming which is athletic not lazy

@squirrel74wkgn

*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”