Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

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Just had workplace violence training. It’s like HR doesn’t even care about the first rule of fight club.


[points at crying baby]

I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.


cow = cattle

farmer = cattler

rennet = catalyst

*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me


why would you say Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas broke up when you could just say BenAna Split


Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.


“Bye, losers.”
*puts on motorcycle helmet and sunglasses*
*rides unicycle into an elevator*
“Can you push the button for the lobby please.”


Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.


Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.


if you wear a bikini instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will just think you’ve been swimming which is athletic not lazy


*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*

[text from wife at home]

“Pick that up.”