some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
You Might Also Like
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.