@UtilityLimb: some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we're too far away to hear his answer]
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@abbycohenwl: Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood Me: Oh this isn’t mine
@JeannieG40: Relationship status: Sitting in Home Depot parking lot, car hood open, and asking men if they can jump me.
@CharmingGrump: Pro tip: don't write, "I thought I'd be the one to put a baby in you, but congratulations anyways" in the card.