Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
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Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Stonehinge
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
December birthdays be like…
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
what are they serving at kfc then???
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]