Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
True statement👍😏😁
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet