Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.

This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert

Go gym

I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?

Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am

lawyer: where are you?

me: 2018

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

looking at weird sushi roll names and uh

mom gave me mine for free

why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.