Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
You Might Also Like
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Doggies just call it style.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.