Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
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I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.