@nutsaremixed

Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.

The judge, however called it compelling evidence

*eye roll*

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@MorganJ7

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

@Jake_Vig

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.

@vmochama

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

@T_Bonezzz

Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… **Coughs up hairball**

Dog: You gonna eat that?

@urmumsausername

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

@Book_Krazy

Me: Watcha got there?

8: Lemonade.

Me: What kind?

8: Mike’s

Me: Nooooooo

@bombsydoll

guy I just met: ‘it’s nice to meet you’
me: ‘I’m tired of your lies’