The person behind Wendy’s Twitter account deserves a medal
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
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Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… **Coughs up hairball**
Dog: You gonna eat that?
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I laughed at this way too hard.
Me: Watcha got there?
Me: What kind?
guy I just met: ‘it’s nice to meet you’
me: ‘I’m tired of your lies’