Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
You Might Also Like
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Hero horse inspires millions
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?