“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
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My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
me irl
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.