Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

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I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.


“you look nice” – sweet potato
“im so high” – baked potato
“you suck!” – roast potato
“what have I done” – guy who made talking potatoes


If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I’ma need one of you to make good on the “I’ll help you hide a body” promise.


Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches


Stop editing ya’ll pics. What if you go missing? how you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook & chief keef in person.


Inventor: so a flying balloon

Me: i’m with you

Inventor: big flame over your head

Me: sounds good

Inventor: no steering

Me: excellent

Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket

Me: i’m in



me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!



Beer before liquor, never sicker.

Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

Mexican food before wine, no 69.


MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend