@RichHarris2

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

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@TrophyWifeDayna

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

@ruinedpicnic

“you look nice” – sweet potato
“im so high” – baked potato
“you suck!” – roast potato
“what have I done” – guy who made talking potatoes

@lilgapeach30

If my co-worker says ValenTIMES one more time, I’ma need one of you to make good on the “I’ll help you hide a body” promise.

@mom_ontherocks

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

@iLick_sheDrip

Stop editing ya’ll pics. What if you go missing? how you expect us to find you if you look like beyonce on facebook & chief keef in person.

@sonictyrant

Inventor: so a flying balloon

Me: i’m with you

Inventor: big flame over your head

Me: sounds good

Inventor: no steering

Me: excellent

Inventor: *snorting coke* and you’re in a wicker basket

Me: i’m in

@mrjohndarby

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

@GrillinChillin9

Beer before liquor, never sicker.

Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.

Mexican food before wine, no 69.

@InternetHippo

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend